Watch Yo Ass In Australia

As reported by today’s Column 8:

THANK YOU Ms S. Karene Witcher, staff reporter of The Wall Street Journal, for your contribution to the world’s knowledge of Australia with a recent front-page article about the dangers Olympians and Olympic visitors will face. Olympic Ideal: Make Sure Those Sharks Don’t Score a Goal says the heading. She discovers “the bull shark” waiting in Sydney Harbour to dine on a triathlete “with a worldwide TV audience of 2 billion people watching”. Australia, she says, “seems to hold many of the most dangerous and venomous creatures on Earth. She lists the box jellyfish, the blue-ringed octopus, the stonefish, killer cone shells, and “the most venomous sea snake known to man”. Add crocodiles, “most of the globe’s top 10 toxic serpents”, the redback, the white-tailed and the funnel-web spiders … but she didn’t list the baby-eating dingo. Phew.

Combine this with an e-mail I got, and it makes me wonder what kind of people are going to be in Sydney come September. Damn Yanks :)

This may confirm everyone’s desires to be as far away from Sydney as possible during the Olympics……then again, it could be fun to be around offering friendly assistance to our friendly visitors….

I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)

I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue?(Germany)
More likely brown.

Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
Yeah, Hume Hwy, Pacific Hwy, Sturt Hwy etc, not so much in, but on.

I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
Why not ? But if you jog you’ll get there quicker.

My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)
Yes, but we do have flush toilets.

Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
Tasmanian waters or the Great Aust Bight would be a good place for someone of your obvious well endowed intelligence.

Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
Depends how amorous they feel.

Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A very good one is Australis

Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
Yes, and are you a natural blond?

Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
Yes and Easter too.

Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
No, the killer wasps eradicated them.

Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
No

Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available on all year round? (Germany)
Yes, and unlike Europe, it’s drinkable too.

Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
None, you’re a walking deadman.

Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
Up.

Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
Austria dickhead, Austria.

I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
I have a serious question about you too.

I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
Is her name Huckstedd, then see a Mr McPherson.

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
Everywhere, but keep your mouth shut, you are obviously a fool.

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